I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
