Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
