You're my little dorito
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Houston, we have a squirter
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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