my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
