Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
