you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
