I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
