I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
