1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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