haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
