threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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