If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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