Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
