Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
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I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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