Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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