I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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