I wish I could punch you in the face.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
