The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have tasted many bathrooms
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
