Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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