just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
