I feel like abortions should bother me more
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
