I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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