have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
