she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
