my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
