Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
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Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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