K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
