Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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