just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
