You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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