I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can't put those talents on a resume
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
