I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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