Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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