Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
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This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
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I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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