Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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