my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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