Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
