I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
