You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
