i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
