She said her name was "party"
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
They took my balls.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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