I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
