Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
