Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
ugly people sure do ruin things
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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