glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
