So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
