a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
