Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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