The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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