First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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