You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
