I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
