do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Randomize
