I'm gonna have a badass scar
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
