Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
