We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
