Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
