I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
