dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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